Because of a recent death in my immediate family, I am experiencing grief. I don’t mean to be morbid, just honest. I decided to write about this in a blog because it helps me to acknowledge and process this reality. But along with me, I think that many of us are experiencing grief and mourning at this time. My hope is that there is information in this blog that others will also find helpful.
As I noted, because of tumultuous times, many of us are going through a grief process. Foremost, many have lost a loved one to COVID. And some have experienced the sudden death of a loved one because of violence. Others feel grief over the changing environment because of climate change. Still others have lost homes, jobs, or livelihoods because of the wrenching changes in our economy or environment. And there are more.
My experience at this point is feelings of profound sadness and disorientation. I never know when I will experience this, it just happens. I can feel separate from events unfolding around me. And I feel very tired. I want to be home, quiet, with my dog and cat. Sometimes I want to talk about my feelings, sometimes I just want to be alone.
As usual I did some research on the topic of grief. Here are some of my learnings.
- There is no one way, no right way to grieve. It is a unique and personal experience that lasts as long as it lasts, may be months, maybe years
- Each experience that a person has is unique. How you grieve for a sibling, or a parent, or a partner, all will feel different
- Sometimes a grief process can become prolonged or distorted. Then it’s time to get professional help
From the Cleveland Clinic website, I found these tips for working through a grief process,
- Acknowledge and accept your feelings, especially loneliness, but don’t isolate
- Choose supportive companionship
- Be kind to yourself
- Get plenty of rest and exercise
- Talk to a specialist if you feel overwhelmed or stuck
At the same site, I also found Worden’s Tasks of Mourning, in essence,
- 1. Accept the loss
- 2. Process the feelings of pain
- 3. Choose to adjust to a new life experience
- 4. Find an ongoing, meaningful connection with the deceased as you move on in life
I know that I am working through tasks one and two. I have thought that it would be wonderful to find a way to honor and be in touch with my relative’s legacy, but can’t imagine how to do that yet…
I also learned that grief is often mixed with other emotions, fear, anger, even joy or gratitude. At first, this does not make sense, but I have experienced this and realize that it is so. Above all, courage is required and the commitment to face the painful feelings. David Kessler in “Finding Meaning, The Sixth Stage of Grief” writes, “People often think there is no way to heal from severe loss. I believe that is not true. You heal when you can remember those who have died with more love than pain, when you find a way to create meaning in your own life in a way that will honor theirs.”
Living life to the fullest including experiencing the pain that life brings is not for sissies!