The other day I confided to a good friend that I had run into an old, frustratingly familiar stumbling block. I had almost completed an idea for a workshop. I had finished the research, outline, and timeline. All I had to do now was pick up the phone and make appointments to present my idea to organizations that seemed like a good fit for the idea. That’s when the stumbling block emerged into consciousness. Essentially my inner critic said, “This idea/workshop isn’t that good. Nobody will want to hire you to do it. Just who do you think you are?” In the past this inner message has stopped me in my tracks. I didn’t want that to happen this time.
I am a therapist and I have spent time in therapy. I know the origins of this negative self-talk. But that does not stop it from happening. I will say that time spent in therapy has diminished ferocity and frequency of this destructive self-talk. But, clearly, therapy did not eradicate it. When I acknowledged to my friend that this was hindering me, she said, “Alice, you need to do some reparenting. Think of what you would say to your daughter or son if one of them came to you with self-doubt, a setback, or a fear about trying something. You would support him or her, talk about personal strengths and what could be learned. You would be encouraging. You need to do that for yourself.”
My friend opened a door for me. I knew immediately that she was spot on. For this blog I looked up reparenting. I found a good description at www.serenityonlinetherapy.com. The site explains the origins of these stumbling blocks or emotional reactions that one knows are not warranted, but are still powerful. It is, no surprise, the experiences of childhood wounds held in parts of the brain that retain the painful emotional feelings about these wounds. When a similar enough situation occurs in our present life, these old feelings erupt. And then we react.
I have been working on connecting my hard-won understanding of the origins of my blocks and my action plan to counter the negative self-talk with my reparenting supportive talk. So far, it goes something like this, “This is a good-enough idea to try, and probably it can be improved. The only way that you can learn is to try it out and ask for feedback. People are generally receptive and want to be helpful.” Armed with this, I am ready to make those calls.
So, when can the reparenting approach be useful? Here is a guide.
- You need to know where this negative self-talk or reaction originates.
- Your reaction is not explosive and physically or emotionally destructive to you or others. For example, would you blow up at or castigate someone else, blaming them? Would you drink too much to dull the pain?
If either of these criteria is not met, start with some therapy!
- You can identify when you have been snagged and stopped by an old stumbling block.
When you can be clear about these steps, then picture one of your children or a young relative, and in you mind speak to them with unconditional love and support. Help yourself to meet a challenge and learn from it.