I had an interesting confluence of events and experiences this week. First, a disclaimer, I’m not trying to blow my own horn or put myself on a pedestal. Here’s what happened, and then I will reflect.
I was shopping for some last-minute items for the holidays. By the time I went through the checkout, I had quite a few items including two large boxes. When I got to my car and unloaded my cart, I discovered a chocolate bar in between the two boxes. I didn’t think that it had been scanned meaning I hadn’t paid for it. Standing in the parking lot, the easiest thing was to put the bar into a grocery bag and drive away. I actually did put the bar into the bag. At that moment I thought, “it’s just a chocolate bar, not much money, a couple dollars. it will hardly make a difference to this chain store. I’m sure this happens quite a bit.’ I’m not proud of this, but it’s what I thought and did. Then something niggled at me. I took the bar back out of the grocery bag and retrieved my receipt. And confirmed what I believed; I hadn’t paid for it.
I then thought about the workshop I had been attending for the past four weeks about being vulnerable and willing to be transparent to others, willing to tell my story to create a sense of my own wholeness and a real connection with others. I wouldn’t want to tell this story to anyone! Maybe I would confess it to one of my friends, maybe.
I also thought about the interview I heard December 18th on Morning Edition at NPR. Noel King interviewed Julie Fenster, the author of “Cheaters Always Win: The Story of America.” The author had researched the amount of lying and cheating that she has observed in our culture. She wondered why this is so. She found that while this behavior has always occurred, we, as a society, are generally more tolerant of it now. She found that those who do not lie or cheat, choose not to because of ‘family pride,’ they would be mortified if anyone they knew found out about it. Or they choose not to lie or cheat out of sheer pride. Yet, although some people will choose to never cheat, she found that at the same time they accept it, even expect it in others.
I took the chocolate bar and the receipt back into the store to the service desk feeling relieved and a bit foolish (it’s only a chocolate bar!) and explained the situation. The clerk looked over the receipt, confirmed for herself that I hadn’t paid and printed another receipt. I then paid for the chocolate bar. She thanked me for being honest. I noticed how she looked at me, directly and fully. I think she was glad, and a bit surprised, sadly. Then she surprised me by asking me if I were related to one of my family members. I had originally paid with a debit card, so my name appeared on the first receipt. And I do live in a rural area, and ‘everybody knows everybody.’ The finding in Fenster’s research about pride in family came to mind. This event affected the clerk’s opinion of both me and my family. And I had almost put that chocolate bar in my grocery bag and driven away.
Transparency, connection to others and personal values. Here we are at the cusp of a new year and a new decade. Where do you stand? I know what I have re-learned, to aspire to honesty with myself and others, transparency, wholeness, and connection. Are you willing to be honest with yourself, open to others? What are the bottom-line values that you live by?