Recently I was one of three judges for a competition on professional conduct produced by a nonprofit organization. We evaluated the contestants on the clarity of their written and spoken language, their poise in presenting and interviewing, their grasp of issues, and their career goals and challenges as well as other categories. Naturally there was one winner, and in this case, one loser.
The choice of the winning candidate was obvious, although the other contestant was fairly close in points. The person who lost was simply less clear in expressing herself and had less self-confidence. While I admired the achievements of the winner and agreed that she deserved to win, I identified with the loser.
The reason for that is simple. Some years ago I was that person. Growing up I felt invisible. This led to my belief that I had no particular skills or talents. This in turn led to a vicious cycle. Because I did not believe in myself, I either did not dare to try anything for fear of failure, or if I did try, I was certain I would fail, which often became a self-fulfilling prophecy. And this lead back to the confirmation that I had no particular talents and so on and on, around and around. If I did achieve something, get a job I wanted for example, I told myself it was by luck or through someone’s else’s kindness.
With the passage of time, life experience, and counseling, I have almost completely outgrown this. But I can sense when another person feels and acts the way I did.
So after the contest was over, I reached out to the person who lost. As a coach and consultant helping others to overcome difficulties, this came to me naturally. She expressed feeling badly and used the word “failed.” I tried to reframe the experience for her. I gave her the message that I wished I could have gotten and absorbed years ago, you have what it takes, don’t dwell on failure, keep going and keep practicing. I believe that she understood, her eyes brightened and her face softened. I think we both felt better. One instance of support will not bring about complete change for the better, but it can start the process.