I am currently in a process that requires reflecting on my childhood self. My goal is to become more whole and more fully aware. Recently, a lightbulb insight occurred to me. These realizations seem to come out of nowhere, like surprise gifts.
Here is the insight: regret is another word for something incomplete. Feeling regret means there is more work to do on an issue. Let me unpack this. First, here’s a definition of regret thanks to the online Cambridge Dictionary; “a feeling of sadness about something sad or wrong or about a mistake that you made, and a wish that it could have been different and better.” My understanding is that general regrets are not about “life or death” situations, but those significant to us actions or inactions in everyday life.
Here is one of my experiences of regret. I have regretted not living in New York City immediately after graduating from college. It was a dream of mine. I arranged to sublet an apartment although in a rather sketchy part of the city. While moving in boxes of my belongings and ready to spend my first night, I suddenly got cold feet. I didn’t have a job yet! Was I safe to go out alone at night? I only knew a couple people in the city. Did I want to live alone? The upshot was, I put the boxes back in the car and left the city…
What is incomplete about my feelings of regret about not living in New York City? Figuring that out is the first step in the work to achieve completion. Of course, I can’t go back in time and make a different decision, choosing to move in and stay in that apartment. When I dig into my memories about that time, what I discern is that I wanted to try being on my own and making my own way. And I wanted to achieve this in a big city that was a center for the arts.
The next step I have taken is to realize that I have now lived the experience of being on my own and making it in my own way. No, it was not in New York City, but I have had those experiences. And, I have now lived in New York City, and thoroughly enjoyed the art scene there. It helps to acknowledge that I have lived these experiences although not at that time right after college.
Is there still anything unrealized? Of course, right after college is a uniquely sweet time. I can’t duplicate that. I can knowlingly recreate an experience of stepping out, daring to try something new or challenging. And do this with what has felt unfinished very much in mind. For example, I could sublet an apartment in a large city somewhere and pursue some art classes, living on my own. In whatever way this is put together, it becomes a matter of actively planning in the present, not staying sad about the past.
A note here, regrets can mean something done or not done to or with another. This circumstance offers another level of difficulty. Can you write a letter of apology? Make an act of atonement? Perhaps, if someone is no longer living, you need to forgive them or yourself. There are many aspects to consider.
In summary, here are three steps, figure out what, about a regret, feels incomplete, then ask, have I lived out any of those wished for experiences already? And finally, if there are unrealized aspects, how can they be addressed? Enjoy salvaging those regrets, completing them, and while you’re at it, enjoying living in the present!
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