Recently I was in conversation with an older friend and a car accident that she and her husband experienced happened to come up. I had not heard about it and I asked her questions about it. She described a traumatic and life-changing experience in which they were struck by a car that was out of control and forced off the road. I could tell by the way she talked that the event still had a strong and negative effect on her life perspective.
A few years ago I went through a difficult breakup. I won’t debate that I had some responsibility for the failure of the relationship. However, I felt unnecessarily and negatively affected, financially, psychologically, and mentally, by the divorce process. I had endeavored to make the process respectful and reasonable, but it devolved into something hateful and ugly. As the recent conversation with my friend unfolded, I realized that we both felt like innocent victims who had been caught up in a destructive situation in which we seemed to have little control. My difficulties were less visible and more easily corrected than my friend’s. Among other things, she and her husband had debilitating physical injuries, fortunately not life-threatening ones.
I had an epiphany moment. I wished that this cloud hanging over my friend would disperse. I realized that only she could choose for that to happen. Then I realized that the same was true for me. I had worked over time to let go and forgive my ex, but I knew that the process was not complete. I knew that I was still holding on to a residue of anger and resentment. I remember thinking, why hang on to this? What benefit does this bring me? Then I said to myself, “none.” In that moment I decided and chose to completely let it all go. I immediately felt lighter and freer. This sense of lightness and spaciousness continues for me.
I have often heard about the benefits of forgiveness. But I had an intellectual understanding, only skin-deep. I also realized in that moment that every one of us has probably had an experience of being the innocent victim of another. I acknowledge that some wounds and injuries are more profound than others and require more support and deeper work. Nevertheless, an individual can choose to carry the anger, hurt, bitterness, and blame or to let it go. With the help of my friend and seeing my situation as if through another’s eyes, I learned that letting go opens up a lighter, freer world of new possibilities.