During interviews with successful people, I sometimes hear the interviewer ask, “How did you do it?” or “what is your secret to success?” They often respond, “I was just being myself.” As I listen I intuitively understand what the interviewees mean; to be yourself you follow your own muse and your own way of doing things, not those of anyone else or the mainstream.
This makes sense and sounds like good advice. In other words, be unique and stand out. I thought more about it and realized that I find it very difficult to “be myself” in certain circumstances. I have no problem being myself when choosing my clothes, furniture, or a car. But, when I think about becoming successful in my career, it’s another story. I automatically wonder what others expect of me. My next question is “how can I fit into those expectations?” And the thoughts and questions that follow center around this initial thought. “Do I have the right skills?” or “how can the skills I have be stretched to meet these expectations?” In no time my original beliefs and expectations have transformed into a set of ironclad facts that I must contend with and conform to.
In the meantime, where did I go? I can end up feeling lost and resentful, not sure if I will ever be appreciated for the skills I do have. What happened to being myself?
On reflection, I realize that there are several steps within the simple sounding advice to “be yourself.” First, I have to know who I am. That simple-sounding directive is also not so simple. What are the attributes of my personality? Do I like to be around other people most of the time, or by myself? What are my interests? What skills have I learned or developed? There are many questions to consider, these are just a couple. Second, do I have a solid foundation of self-worth and self-confidence? I must believe in myself, even when there are those moments or days of anxiety and questioning. Third and last, I must be willing to keep at something for as long as it takes. I need to have the grit to keep going.
As a woman, I realize that there is another hurdle to being myself as I strive in my career. A portion of my reflex to first consider what others expect of me is due to my cultural training. Many women, including me, have been taught to adapt to the expectations of the society around them. I must also catch myself when I fall into that thinking, reboot, set it aside, and keep on going.
Being oneself turns out to be life-long work, but, as those interviewees make clear, worth it.