I heard these lyrics this past week, “We are at the mercy of everyone else’s dreams.” Unfortunately, even though I searched, I could not find the author of these words, so I can’t give him credit. But the meaning within this phrase reverberates for me. Especially because of a book I read recently, “The Pocket Guide to Polyvagal Theory” by Stephen W. Porges.
Because of my past career as a therapist and my current career as a coach and a consultant, the information from the book and the meaning of the lyrics click for me. The underlying connection is that we as humans need social interaction and community to survive and function at our best. But along with needing each other, we are vulnerable to each other, too.
For me, the implications of the lyrics say that we all have plans, hopes, and dreams for our lives. For example, I really want to buy that house, I want to be chosen as point person for the project at work, or I want to be a millionaire. And to achieve any of those desired goals, I need the help and assistance of others, my bank, a realtor, or my supervisor and colleagues, not to mention friends and family. I need the social structure that surrounds me. No problem, unless I have to undercut you to achieve what I want. Am I willing to destroy your dreams to achieve my own? What impact would that have on each of us?
In Porges’ book, he suggests that we, as humans and mammals, need others to survive and thrive. This is obvious when considering a newborn, or young child. But it is also true for all of us throughout our lives, as I noted above. According to Porges, through the actions of the vagal nerve, primarily a sensory nerve that conveys information from the peripheral organs to areas in the brainstem and returns information from the brain back (it’s complicated, so I’m simplifying it!) we assess and unconsciously and viscerally respond to cues of safety or danger we sense from others and our environment. For example, if someone’s facial features and voice modulations are inviting and melodic, we are apt to relax and be open to engaging with them. However, if facial expressions and voice modulations are blank, harsh, loud, and low, we will become tense, withdraw, freeze, or even become aggressive. And, for example, a crowded, noisy street can send signals of danger. Porges emphasizes that all this information originates in our bodies, it is sensory, and unfortunately, in our culture we often ignore these signals. Once we do sense that we are in safe and secure relationships or situations, we relax, open up, and our creativity blossoms.
Porges suggests that mental illnesses are, in large part, evidence of some unrepaired wounds or failures during engagement in past, necessary social interactions. We can get stuck in powerful sensations and feelings and then repeat behaviors that were probably originally helpful, but are now detrimental, or at best, unhelpful. We go on to reason that, “that is just the way I am.”
Here is the main point that I want to make. The most bottom of bottom lines is that we human beings are necessarily and profoundly social creatures, the point made by those lyrics. We need each other to survive and to thrive. And we are also physical creatures. We process our world through our senses, as well cognitively. In our need, we must be mindful of those of others, at the same time. Time to become more aware of and respect our own sensory signaling system, and be understanding of the same in those around us. Compassion and empathy for all.