The other day a friend explained why some of her friends held particular political views. She said, “they feel wronged.” This blog is not about politics. I’m staying away from that. I’m fascinated by what makes us tick. Intuitively, I knew she was correct about people feeling wronged, I have observed the same phenomenon. But I wondered why. I wanted to understand what makes some people feel aggrieved and not others. What are the factors that determine this feeling?
I found this definition of the concept wronged from the Free Online Dictionary, “treated unfairly or unjustly.” Looking deeper for answers I learned that the explanation is complicated. Of course, this should be no surprise, human behavior is complicated.
The basis of the answer is that humans are social beings. This means that we are designed to attune to the social world around us and are always aware how well we are fitting in or not. If or when we feel rejected, we feel “hurt.” This registers in the part of the brain that also is associated with registering physical pain, hence actually feeling hurt. When these areas of the brain are aroused, correspondingly, people also feel lower self-esteem. The bottom line is that we are wired, as social beings, to be social and to want to fit in. The complexity comes from the many factors that can determine how sensitive we are at any given time to fitting in, economic status, family beliefs and behavior, education, self-esteem, past trauma, and so on.
An added problem is those who stay with the stance of being wronged. They use this as their lens for seeing the world instead of working through difficult experiences and moving on. I recently found this explanation of “dirty pain” in “My Grandmother’s Hands” by Resmaa Menakem. The book explains how trauma is held in the body even over generations unless it is acknowledged and released. I think it fits here, too. Menakem defines dirty pain as “the pain of avoidance, blame, and denial. When people respond from their most wounded parts, become cruel or violent, or physically or emotionally run away, they experience dirty pain. They also create more of it for themselves and for others.” (p. 20) I believe that holding on to feeling wronged is a form of dirty pain. It is choosing to stay in a negative place rather than resolving issues and moving on.
And yes, there are ways to move on from feeling wronged, but someone has to choose to do this. More on that next time.
I leave you with this great saying I found at Rick Hanson’s website: “Blasting another person with anger is like throwing hot coals with bare hands: both people get burned.”