In my last blog, I explored my pastor’s three categories for understanding another. In summary, someone’s identity – gender, sexual orientation, race, nationality, and religious affiliation is sacrosanct. We can engage with others in the areas of ideology (what we have learned from family, education, and our culture) and behavior.
I ended the blog with an overview on how to engage with others, without assumptions and asking questions aimed at gathering information to better understand. In this blog I go deeper into ways to constructively engage others, particularly when there is strong disagreement.
Loretta Ross, an American activist and academic, coined the term “calling in,” an antidote to destructive calling out behavior. In a New York Times article, she describes calling in as “a call out done with love.” Ross emphasizes that the person doing the calling needs to be curious and to “lead with love.” The exchange happens privately and respectfully. Context is explored, and hopefully a give and take emerges leading to more understanding and an easing of corrosive emotions.
Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist, academic, and author of “Think Again,” offers these suggestions for engaging with those we disagree with or find difficult. Prevent your ideas from being a part of your identity. Interesting, in my last blog I pointed this out. Identity is not about our beliefs and learning. Our ideology holds our beliefs and education. And beliefs and understanding can change! We grow! Keep identity free from ideas and beliefs. Next, be curious and open-minded. Take courage and be open to “unlearn.” I believe this can also mean being open to learning new things and changing.
To engage with difficult others, the first step is to be willing to grow and change yourself. As noted above, it takes courage and self-awareness. It takes open-mindedness and the humility to change and learn. Finally, it takes respectful and compassionate behavior with others. This is hard work. There is no room for complacency or rigidity. But the long-term rewards of taking these steps are beyond measure.