The More I Understand Myself, the Better I Can Understand You
Mark Twain captured the concept perfectly and humorously. He noted that when he was a young man he “knew” his father was ignorant and just a few years later he realized how much his father had learned in that brief period of time! I remember when I realized that I was shy and insecure. I must have been in junior high school. Before my epiphany I just was who I was. I knew what the world was like and how it would “always” be. It was a static unchanging place that was scary and impersonal. Like Mark Twain, life events and a degree of maturation opened my eyes and ears. I caught glimpses of my negative reactions, especially when others did not have the same reaction. For example, when I was young I was mortified that my very curly hair got frizzy. I felt like I looked like a clown…
Life is Possiblity
“Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not match expectation.” Charlotte Bronte This quote makes me do a double take. At first it seems to have a negative tone, “does not, cannot, will not”. I can’t hope to plan and live out my own life goals? After a second reading and some reflection it is clear the sense of a solely negative perspective is inaccurate. Instead, it seems Bronte invites one to acknowledge and accept the amazing complexity and variability of life. “Life is so constructed…” The unfolding of life is outside of anyone’s control. The quote announces this fact. I do not “construct” life. Life happens and I am a part of it. Accepting this fact is freeing. Bronte is stating a version of the Serenity Pray, “God help me to accept the things I cannot change…” “…that an event does not, cannot, will not…”…
Cultivate Your Creativity
When I have a new project or challenge, for example, finding topics for blogs or creating a workshop, I want to think creatively. This is not a state that I can turn on as if it were a water faucet. Creativity needs to be cultivated; it is a process. First, consider impediments to being creative. I think of three because I have experienced all of them. The first is negative thinking. I make an assessment of the external situation: it’s impossible to do anything differently because… Or I think I’m not that creative on this topic because… If I fall into either of these traps I have already limited any results and set up the self-fulfilling prophesy that no creative, new idea or perspective will emerge. The second is a demand for a creative idea. For example I realize that I need to figure out a new blog topic –…
Want to Change Something in Your Life?
Recently I perused the web looking for information on how to make changes in one’s life. I noticed that the advice offered includes or implies one first step, but glosses over the importance of this first step. Not only is it important, it is both a simple and a difficult step. Self reflection. That’s it. First, one must honestly examine oneself. Why is that necessary? Until a person can see his or her own role in any situation or issue, it is impossible to see the responsibility and impact of anyone else. How do you go about doing this effectively? Realize that this is the first step. Admit it, if you want things to change you must start by evaluating your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions. This can feel like a downer, that’s why it’s a hard first step. Take your own inventory. How do you capture information best? Do you journal?…
The Hidden Power of Stories
Movies, ballads, fairy tales, novels, I never tire of them. Stories. When someone tells me about an experience or an adventure they have had, I am transported into their experience. I see what is unfolding and feel the excitement, pain, or pleasure. The telling of stories is a deeply human trait. It seems looking back in time, that we have always told each other stories. Consider the early myths and tales of gods from ancient cultures that we know today, Zeus, Aphrodite, Odysseus, and Thor for example. As a therapist, I know first hand about the power of stories. When someone can tell her life story to another without fear, without holding back, and knowing that she is accepted, healing begins. I have wondered why this is so. I sense that it is so obvious that we forget its power, like not seeing our own nose on our face except…
Being and Becoming
Recently a commentator on the radio says, “ A musical instrument is a work in progress.” On hearing his statement my first reaction is surprise. For example, I think of a violin as being a violin and always the same, or it wouldn’t be a violin. As I listen longer I realize he means that musical instruments have evolved over time. As time passes they are made from new and different materials and even take on new shapes. The commentator then gives several examples. Now I understand his point and my thinking changes. I reflect that not only musical instruments change over time, everything does. Everything is a work in progress. In an echo of this line of thought, Joy Ladin, in an interview with Krista Tippett of “On Being” (www.onbeing.org) suggests that we are always a ratio of being and becoming. Hearing this statement soon after my epiphany about…
Mini-Triggers
Recently I got into a tiff with a friend. I purposely call it a tiff because it was not an outright fight, no voices were raised, no nasty names hurled, and it didn’t last long. But we were both smarting afterward. We both felt hurt. In other words, we were both caught off-guard by something the other did or said. I call this phenomenon a mini-trigger. It does not immediately evoke a negative memory or a full-blown post-traumatic response the way triggers do. Mini-triggers are subtle in their effect on one. They cause grief and upset, but one doesn’t understand why, at least at first. And they are common occurrences. Mini-triggers are like trip wires. They are invisible until you stumble and then it’s too late. One can’t undo that last step any more than one can undo or redo that last utterance. They are also signifiers pointing to something…
The Joy of Having Fun
Recently during a radio program I heard someone say this about choosing a career, “don’t do it if it’s not fun.” This sounded like an impossibility to me. I remember times when my mother asked me to attend a social event, say a tea party, I would complain and say I didn’t want to attend because it would be boring. She then replied that there are many things that an adult must do whether they enjoy it or not. In other words, no fun. My thought then was if being an adult is like that, I don’t want to grow up! So now, as an adult, I still believe there are always chores and unwanted experiences in one’s chosen career and in life. I thought this was a given. However, this suggestion to have fun must have struck a deep chord in me because I recently found myself choosing to…
How to Enjoy Winter!
As I write this it is cold and snowy outside. Deep winter is here. I know that many people dislike even dread this season. I choose to enjoy it, except when it is well below zero and I must go out. But then I do not like to go out when it is in the high 90’s and humid! When I meet someone who has not lived in a climate with a definite, cold winter season I explain that learning to appreciate even enjoy winter requires the mastery of three tasks. First, learn how to dress for the season. You have probably heard the expression, “there is no bad weather, only bad clothes.” That saying fits perfectly. Warm-enough coats, hats, mittens, scarves, socks, and boots make one comfortable enough to spend time outdoors. In contrast, imagine if you had to spend the day at the beach in July wearing woolen…
How Do You See It?
It seems that for all of us, attitudes are powerful and can dictate how we see the world around us. I had an experience that illuminated this for me. I traveled from my home in northern Vermont to a town in southern Quebec for a mid-winter break. When I set out it was sunny and there was plenty of snow piled along the streets. I noticed a few people out walking their dogs, doing errands, and visiting the post office. Some were wearing parkas, some hoodies, many did not have on boots, hats, or gloves. It was a cold day with temperatures in the high teens to the low twenties. Nobody appeared to be very comfortable. After finding a parking place I walked along the main shopping street of the Quebec town about a half hour north of the US-Canadian border. It was snowing and about the same temperature as…