Recently I got into a tiff with a friend. I purposely call it a tiff because it was not an outright fight, no voices were raised, no nasty names hurled, and it didn’t last long. But we were both smarting afterward. We both felt hurt. In other words, we were both caught off-guard by something the other did or said.
I call this phenomenon a mini-trigger. It does not immediately evoke a negative memory or a full-blown post-traumatic response the way triggers do. Mini-triggers are subtle in their effect on one. They cause grief and upset, but one doesn’t understand why, at least at first. And they are common occurrences.
Mini-triggers are like trip wires. They are invisible until you stumble and then it’s too late. One can’t undo that last step any more than one can undo or redo that last utterance. They are also signifiers pointing to something else that holds the key to one’s emotional reaction. Usually one is not immediately aware of what this is and therefore it is unexpressed. Also, this thing that is significant and unawares is usually from one’s past, probably one’s childhood.
How does one know that one has been mini-triggered? There are four telltale signs,
- One’s emotional reaction feels bigger than the event warrants
- One replays the event over and over, trying to “figure it out”
- The memory of the event stays fresh
- The event feels unresolved
So what to do when one realizes that one is mini-triggered by something and doesn’t know what it’s really about? Every person has to figure out the best method of processing the experience. Here is my way. As soon as I can, I find pen and paper and simply dump my thoughts and feelings onto the page. I don’t consider grammar, penmanship, or spelling, only accurate expression. Sometimes I only need to go through this exercise once, sometimes several times. My next step is to talk with someone I know will be impartial and listen well. Sometimes I feel clear and calm enough to return to the person with whom I got into the original difficulty. Some people find simply talking with a third party works best, some may want to chop wood, and some paint or draw. The way that works best for each individual is the “right” way to handle the process. The ultimate goal is to talk the event through with the “tiff partner” and move on, hopefully in a restored if not strengthened relationship.