The election is over, yet the country is still divided. And not just divided, but vehemently so. There is a sizable number of people who feel strongly that the election is either not over or has been rigged. In the past, one of our strengths as a nation was our ability to accept the electoral outcome, gracefully pull together and move on as one nation. That is not happening.
In my last blog I wrote about managing to stay grounded during times of change and stress, specifically the recent election season. Now, post-election, our task is to figure out how to pull together again as one nation so we can move forward. How do we do this?
I see and hear people who are adamant and emotionally committed, in fact, people who deeply identify with a different outcome than the one declared. I do not remember seeing this pitch of emotion about the results of an election before. There is an emotional entanglement with desired results that defies reason, defies discourse, or ‘facts.’ I can only wonder at the roots of this high pitch of emotional reaction. I believe that some people have felt the acknowledgement of a deep personal need or reality and they want this sense of being seen and understood to continue.
How do we as a nation begin the process of mending? I know how it will not happen. It will not happen if we try to reason our way out of this division. It will not happen if we just continue on and hope that those who protest the results will see the light and grow beyond present beliefs and views. The intensity of the emotions underlying the desire for a now implausible outcome demands another kind of response. Left alone, these feelings and beliefs will remain and may fester to become deeper problems for our country.
Foremost we need to listen. This sounds simple, but it’s not. I know from personal experience. More than once I have ended up in a screaming match, triggered by my own strong feelings. But now, realizing the gravity of the situation, I believe that being intentional about active listening with another will make a difference in my own response.
I found these ten steps at Forbes.com. I added some explanatory observations in italics.
- Face the speaker and maintain eye contact. This helps to establish and maintain a connection.
- Be attentive, but relaxed.
- Keep an open mind. You are in learning mode.
- Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is saying. This helps you stay in the present moment and hear the whole story.
- Don’t interrupt, don’t impose your “solutions.”
- Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions.
- Ask questions only to ensure understanding. Questions veiled as opinions are not helpful.
- Try to feel what the speaker is feeling.
- Give the speaker regular feedback. This is to ensure you understand the speaker’s feelings.
- Pay attention to what isn’t said. There is a lot of information in the nonverbal side of communication.
The above list includes questioning. This is an integral part of active listening. Asking clarifying questions can elicit the factors underlying the emotional meaning of this year’s election results. Thoughtful questions and acknowledgement of personal meaning and feelings will go a long way toward mending our differences. Ironically, feeling seen and understood, which probably contributed to the distressed feelings and behaviors about the election in the first place, will also encourage mending and moving on.