In my last blog I wrote about the irony that COVID 19 attacks us “where we are most vulnerable and most powerful,” our social connectivity. We need to quarantine and keep distance from others to stay safe from infection, and to protect others from infection. And we yearn for connection to our family, loved ones, and friends. This behavior feels unnatural, and it is!
I recently watched a blog that explained why this is so, and some ways to manage this challenge. Our neurological underpinnings support our awareness of safety and comfort, or danger and stress. For a species that needs connectivity, awareness of safety or danger around us is critical. Stephen Porges developed ‘polyvagal theory’ to explain the interconnections among bodily sensations and responses like heart rate, breathing rate, and digestive sensations to our awareness of comfort, safety, stress, and fear. Porges explains that the vagus nerve running from the brain through the face and thorax or upper chest including heart and lungs, conveys information from bodily sensations of safety or danger to the brain.
According to Porges, as a species, we need to connect with others. He describes ‘co-regulation’ as individuals engaging, while both feel safe with each other, or triggered to danger, through conversation, facial expressions, and physical gestures, a hug, or a touch on an arm for example. We are wired to do this and need it. These simple, frequent interactions keep us feeling hopefully calm and comfortable as well as being in connection with the world around us. We are then apt to be more compassionate and kind. Without these connections and with continuing isolation, we tend to gradually feel more defensive and suspicious.
And so our dilemma, we need to isolate, yet we need to ‘co-regulate’, Porges term for our acts of connectivity that make each of us feel calm and safe. How to manage this? As Porges points out, we are wired to hear, see, and touch others. We can’t touch these days, not at six feet away from each other. We can hear and see each other. He emphasizes that our technology now helps us to hear each other, and to see each other. Ironic that I am writing this! We have telephones and we have video conferencing. He notes that emails and texts are less effective because they strip the communication of hearing and vision, voice and facial expressions.
He recommended that we become aware of our physical reactions to phone or video conversations with others, and notice how they help us feel relaxed, better, and also how we can offer the same equanimity to another. This awareness can help us through the pandemic. We do have some tools to psychologically sustain right now.
By the way, now I know why I have never taken to Facebook or similar platforms. I want to hear someone’s voice or see someone in real time. Although nothing is better than face-to-face, reach out, with awareness, by phone of video conferencing, both for yourself and others!